This hiatus has to stop. Writing has always been a great way for me to sort out my thoughts and help me figure myself out. When I stopped blogging, I became lost. Forget the grammar, forget the audience, forget the content! It’s time to focus on me and work on my self-reflection.
What do I want out of life? What do I want to do with life? Who am I? Who am I not? All these are questions I’ve been asking myself a ton lately. In my seemingly perfect life, I feel empty. It’s not because I’m not loved or because I don’t know how to love. It’s because I don’t feel that I am doing what I’m suppose to be doing. Life feels meaningless because I’m not doing anything meaningful.
I’ve dug deep inside my heart and memory to try and find moments and periods in my life that I felt happy. This was hard because a million of things came to mind. I loved everything and enjoyed everything, but they were all for short periods of time. I’m gonna have to just dive back into EVERYTHING and see which one sticks ;P
Right now I’m concentrating on everything and anything that has to do with art. Ok, I lied. I’m focusing mostly on photography and graphic design work. I’m hoping to start up painting again, too. I’m crossing my fingers and hoping something clicks.
Why would this time be different than before? I want to believe it’s because I’ve learned a great deal about myself the last couple of years, and I’ve learned that it’s OK for me to be me. I didn’t need to be somebody someone else wants me to be. This has always been something I struggled with. I’m always trying to get someone’s approval, I’m always trying to make someone else happy, be useful to someone, be like someone, be better than someone. What I need to do is not concentrate so much on “someone” and concentrate on myself!
So, I need to remind myself, “Forget about whether or not people will like it. Don’t think about whether people will it. Forget whether it’ll be useful to someone and just do what you want to do for no other reason than to do it.”
Honestly, I just want to feel whole. Not sure what this feels like, but I’m sure I’ll know it when I feel it… hopefully.